The Curse of Music

Ever feel when you're down that you have a tendency to binge on sad music? If you're like me, maybe you do. You also might not be aware of its power over your mood. For people with Borderline, music can intensify whatever we are feeling. But it doesn't have to be that way.

When I was first experiencing divorce, I also fell into the habit that a lot of people fall into when experiencing a break up- listening to love songs. It was music that only intensified what I didn't have anymore, as well as music that would sabotage any efforts to change or to stop my depressive spirals and the thought patterns that surrounded them.

The lyrics were also partly to blame. Have you ever noticed the absolutes used to dramatic effect? The 'always' the 'nevers.'

These words are called out in DBT as "black and white thinking." If we internalise these thoughts, or believe these to be normal extremes, we can forget the good times or feel that they don't exist.

E.g. "I am never happy." "I am always sad."

This is something which people with Borderline can experience inside. For some other people, when the have an argument with their partner, they are able to hold onto two ideas at the same time. Though they are angry, they also love this person.

Back when I was with my ex, every time we had a fight, I experienced absolute hate for them. There wasn't a single iota of love for them in that moment. The love would come back slowly afterwards. I found it really difficult to cope with and also couldn't explain why I felt like this. How could I feel that for someone I loved?

I had to realise that life is full of greys. I realised too that it was time to change my music choices. Now, I only actively listen to music that cheers me up or sets me in a good mood for day. If it doesn't hit that sweet spot I skip it.

The Gift of Music- Challenge Your Habits

Try listening to 10 minutes of sad music when you are feeling happy. Does the time spent leave you feeling down? Or has it had little to no effect?

Try listening to 10 minutes of happy music when you're sad. Has it helped to uplift you? Do you think if you listened to more of it, it would bolster your emotions in a positive way for that day? Even if it only (only is another absolute!) gives you some sense of emotional stability, for some people that is enough of an improvement to warrant its use on a daily basis. It might be time to schedule in some time each day to listen to music that makes you feel good.

Challenge Your Thoughts

The next time you hear the extreme words or lyrics, and this can be in other medias too such as TV or books, try to acknowledge that that is not representative of how people think, act or are in real life and that this is just a tool artists like to use.

Use the opportunity think of a few circumstances when you used these in your thinking. Try to tease out some possible alternatives for instance, "sometimes..." "occasionally..." If you invite your mind to engage in these thought changing exercises, you'll find that a little goes a long way.